Self, I love you more- the meaning

Self, I love you more.

“I can see anxiety funneling down When I stop speaking like myself,

Thinking like myself,

And feeling like myself.

Those billows of darkness

can’t sneak by me anymore.

I know when to prepare

to embrace myself.

I hear it when it starts to whip and whirl in me, And sometimes I’ll have to get

Way down under the ground to my safe sheltering place

Till it passes over.

I don’t have to run wild away from it.

I know when it pops up on my radar, And I just prepare myself for its thunder.

I let it roll on by.

I get out of its way and fold into God’s presence. I dodge all of its debris, and let it blow on by.

Cause it knows to blow on by.”

Self I love you more-page 94

I am certain that I will be discussing the mental health journey and self love journey for the rest of my life. I’m thrilled that I know this, and that I’m okay with it. My new book, ‘Self, I love you more’, will be released October 15th of this year. I wanted to share where it came from in this life update.

I try to utilize all of the resources I can when it comes to my journey with anxiety. Leaving therapy one day; I whispered to myself that I still didn’t feel better. And myself responded and said well what do I do since I don’t feel better? The answer to this question lived in a lot of places, I found out.

Rebuttals, answers, and open ended questions started to roll over In my mind…

So do I just give up because I don’t feel better?… Do I stop coming to therapy because I don’t feel like it’s working right now?… Do I go back to a self neglect behavior of choice because I don’t feel better?… Do I keep eating poorly and taking my feelings out on my body? … do I Keep morphing into a Not nice lady because I don’t feel better?…

No, I can’t afford To keep doing any of these.

Experiencing Houston Texas, and it’s Ocean fueled weather has allowed me to see how people who live here will prepare for an incoming hurricane, if they can, before they pack up and leave everything they have. I’ve seen them in stores snatching up bottles of water, flashlights, non-perishables, anything else they think they’ll need to ride out the storm when it shows up. And while I watch them stock up on all the supplies, they’re not smiling. They were just determined to get what they needed and get back to their home to prepare for what’s coming. They were ready to do whatever they needed to do, for the sake of their home, and for the expectancy of the storm coming and more than that, it’s exit.

The representation of the determination of my fellow humans is a teaching lesson I’ll always remember. Their Determination to stay home during such a big storm makes me ask myself why I would ever let myself go During the threat of anxiety, depression, life changes and circumstances. It makes me ask myself why would I let everything that I am and everything that I could be get washed away in the waves and the rain that roll in from a moment Of not feeling better.

I say this to say I’m learning to stock up on my hope for tomorrows. I’m learning to tell myself that I love myself more than how I feel …more than how I want to act out…. more than the echo of my mistakes in the past ….more than the evils of the world…

I’m learning to say self I love you more than all of this. And I will stock up on all I need to by way of my writing, my family, my dreams, and brighter days…

The whisper in self I love you more; it tells us that we are staying here and fighting for our time alive no matter what happens ….and no matter what Will happen. It means that we are not leaving our vessel for a storm, No matter the size. We become partners with a wild self-love when we declare we love ourselves more than our struggles and the temptation to give up on ourselves💜



Blossom Entry: In a moment of spring 

Butterscotch Blossom“The truth”

I Have to talk myself and my mind out of its obsessive thinking on a daily basis.

This is a frustrating walk.
I have to soothe myself gently when I hear an airplane or helicopter too loud when it’s flying over the house.
“The why”
I don’t know why. I don’t care why at this point. My anxiety shows up like a neighbor. So I walk this little fella around like I’m his map around the city. Cause he’s gotta watch me if he intends to pop up like he does. And I decide most of the time to keep moving while he hangs onto my leg.
“The weight”
It’s weird. Sometimes I have days that are stellar. What I mean is that on those days I feel like I am experiencing what it’s like to not be anxious. On other days I feel like I am flipping back down the anxiety hill as viciously as possible. And when these different intensities happen within a day of each other;It gets me down.
“The humanity of it”
In my book, Butterscotch Blossom, I write about how my intervals in my mental health journey help me have humility. I relate the heavy, real feeling of doom that I get in an anxiety spell to the state of mind that a lot of other humans have to sit in.
The mental health world view is master crafted. It’s different. I call us, in the mental health community, people who are glowing in the dark. Cause that’s how unique we are.
I moved to Texas last July, and am traveling back to Tennessee tomorrow.
My family’s been so supportive of me during my mental health journey. I feel good. 💜